As you will know, if you’ve been reading for a while, three years ago Mum started a Bachelor of Social Work with the University of Auckland. She always knew that there would be a solid chance that she would not finish it – studies show a 25-50% survival rate (and that’s survival, not cure) after diagnosis of IBC. As it turns out, we held her funeral on her fourth cancerversary (did not realise that until I was typing this) and at that stage she was just a few credits short of being able to gain her diploma. Sad, yes, but I know that Mum would not have traded that time for anything in the world.
Her close friends A, N and M from the course, along with her lecturer J and others campaigned to give her some recognition for what she had managed to achieve in her course. And achieve she did – this is a woman who, during active treatment, was regularly gaining As and A+s. This is the woman who would have liked to gain a PhD and lecture herself. As it got to the end of last semester, however, she knew that she wouldn’t return. So on Wednesday the 27th of July (the week before she passed), Mum had her own little graduation of sorts, where she was declared “QBE” or qualified by experience. She wrote a short post on how much her “Mixed Nuts” classmates had meant to her here.
What I don’t know whether people realise is exactly how much it meant to her. She had photos and film of the event and on Monday the 30th, my first “task” of the day was to sit down and watch them. She was so proud of what she had achieved and really overwhelmed and humbled by all the beautiful things that people had said. We discussed how it is possible for anyone to graduate, and walk across the stage with hundreds of others, but it takes being pretty special for people to throw a “graduation” of your very own. We talked about how much she must have meant to everyone to have a certificate signed by every one of her lecturers. Why wouldn’t you be proud?
Mum had two goals once her cancer had made it to the “control, not cure” phase: make it to my (OD’s) wedding and make it to her fiftieth birthday. The night before she died, she said that she was satisfied. The uni celebration and the visits she had had from friends had made her feel so loved and appreciated that she didn’t need the big event, especially if she had to plan it to happen in advance of the actual date. As she put it “You don’t usually get to hear the nice things people say about you before your funeral”.
She’d planned to post this second post last week – showing her certificate with blanks on it to protect the privacy of her lecturers. It is the least I can do to post this here and honour that wish.
We are so proud of you Mum.
Posted by Natasha on August 8, 2012
OD here again. Driving home from Dad/OH’s tonight, the sun was setting and the sky was filled with gold and pink. It was another spectacular moment in the sky, one of many in a week that was meant to be awful and dark and revolting. Mum always said that grey days only made one feel worse, and in the middle of winter, those days here have been very few. Coincidence? Maybe. But that golden light tonight made me think that it was time to write one of two posts that Mum wanted to write. This one is on faith.
Mum’s history with the Christian Church is strong. Her mother was very religious and a large amount of socialising in Mum’s rural town upbringing was church-related. Mum attended the local youth group and even taught some Sunday School. Her and my father were married in the local church and all three of us kids were also christened there.
Moving away from the town meant moving to different churches and the fit was not so good. My father is agnostic and has never attended regularly. My disabled younger sister came along and Mum was made to feel bad that she was not attending church regularly, yet also made to feel that YD was disruptive and unwelcome. In what is possibly the most horrid example of “church-i-anity” that I have heard of, Mum’s pleas for help in some sins that she was struggling with were met with the comments that YD’s disabilities might be God’s punishment for the things Mum did wrong. Just writing that makes me sick. YD is one of God’s creatures too and I can’t believe how cruel people can be.
Mum left the church and never went back. A couple of weeks ago, she got a letter from a family friend known as Mrs Five-Minutes – the one that Grandma was always on the phone to for “just five more minutes”. Mrs FM knew that Mum no longer attended the church of her youth and was worried that Mum had lost faith. Mum has always had faith in God, even when she has not had faith in people.
It was something that Mum wanted to write a blog post on – that her belief in Science and her belief in a higher power were not mutually exclusive. The reason that she was not afraid to die – and we both agreed that not being scared didn’t mean that it didn’t suck – was because she was a firm believer in that this life was not all there was. She didn’t know exactly what it would be like but she knew that Heaven would be love and being with God and that Hell would be not getting to be a part of that.
She’d thought about attending a church again but didn’t want to be perceived as a “rainy-day Christian” and was getting to the point that she didn’t want to be explaining her history to a bunch of new people, didn’t want to be known to a whole new bunch of people as “Jenny, the cancer patient”. She knew that you didn’t just get into Heaven by good works (although we discussed that those would have given her plenty of brownie points) but she knew that she was strong enough in faith that she would get to be part of that love.
What do I believe? I believe that at that point, so soon before she passed, when she told us that she had to go, that door to the hereafter was opening. She seemed so at peace with heading into the light. I like to think that our family friend Keith and Mum’s dear IBC friend Susan were waiting on the other side to welcome her with the joy that she deserved. I believe that she’ll never truly be gone.
Posted by Natasha on August 5, 2012
This last week cancer took a back seat and chemo took a holiday.
It was time to focus on family
It was time for a wedding.
OD and R got married.
I was Mother of the Bride and did a bible reading as part of the service.
doing the bible reading
I was tired but extremely happy.
Yesterday we spent a bit more time with family and friends at a day-after-wedding afternoon tea.
A great time was had by all
Posted by jaydub26 on June 2, 2012
This is what I wrote on my ‘Get out Gertrude’ Facebook page 2 weeks ago:
“running out of time to do blog posts at the moment – I know I should be taking it easy starting new chemo but since we got back from our second mini break my week has looked like this… Monday: up to Cancer Society to do 2 hour relaxation course, came home had nap, visit from my sister. Tuesday: ECG and onc appt to get go ahead for chemo, Wednesday: Chemo Thursday: theoritically a stay at home and rest day but had visits from Cancer society liaison nurse , phone calls from the hospital and a vist from my friend Jayne. tomorrow (Friday): we have meeting with a lawyer to redo our wills, and then back up to the hospital for a pre-admit visit to discuss putting new portacath in as I am running out useable veins for chemo etc. Saturday: I have a planning day for my committee work with Breast Cancer Aotearoa Coalition. This will just be sitting & talking so I think I can manage it. Sunday may be an actual rest day!!! Monday: will either be relaxation course then portacath op or just portacath op depending on when they schedule it. Wont find out til after preadmit visit tomorrow. Tuesday: going to uni for the one paper I am sitting this semester. Wednesday: Chemo, Thursday: hopefully a rest day, Friday: meeting with family support services (hospice) to talk more about what to put in place for YD somewhere in there I may fit in a short blog post but I cant guarantee to find the time”
then this happened:
“I had a bit less routine outcome to my port insertion yesterday. I had a touch of acid reflux during the operation (under general anaesthetic) and some went into my lung. I was kept in overnight and until my oxygen saturation stabilised. they also have me on antibiotics to make sure if there is any damage to my lungs it doesnt get infected. They say it should rectify itself over the next few days but I have to take things easy. Still have to go back to hospital tomorrow for chemo – feel I’ve been living there most days the last two weeks but at least now my chemos will be easier and they wont be trying 6 times to find a workable vein”
Because of the irritation in my lung I had quite a cough when I went to chemo last Wednesday so I had to go and get the all clear from my old friends, the doctors at Acute Oncology, before chemo could proceed.
My Friday meeting with the hospice family support service went well and I feel like we are getting things in place for YD.
I dont whether it was the combination of high strength antibiotics and the chemo but by last weekend I felt absolutely shattered. I had intermittent headaches and cold clammy sweats and slept most of Saturday and Sunday. Sunday also bought the delights of vomitting and diarrhea. We narrowly missed having to go to the hospital to get them to check me out.
By Monday I was coming right and on Tuesday I felt almost normal and managed to go to my university class and have a really good day. And then of course Chemo rolled around again on Wedenesday. – I have managed to get this changed to Thursdays from next week on as it suits my pool of ‘chemo chaffeurs’ better.
Yesterday (Thursday) should have been a rest day but I had made the mistake of not taking my pain meds refill in and as the initial prescription was filled at the hospital pharmacy I have to get the refills there. so I took myself up on the train to get them. From the next prescription I will fill them at our local pharmacy as this is the second time I have forgot and it is just too far to go just to get meds. Unfortunately they will only give me 10 days worth at a time.
Today although I can feel the chemo side effects kicking in a bit of nausea, a lot of fatigue etc, but by setting my laptop up on my bed I have been able to catch up on blog posts and other correspondence and still have enough energy to go out with OH to a work function tonight.
Posted by jaydub26 on March 22, 2012
the mouth to Tutukaka harbour
The week before I started Chemo – we managed to get away again to one of my favourite places for rest and relaxation. What I love about this place is that where ever you are you have gorgeous views to look at
Even when I was having a nap upstairs I could look out and see the water
view from upstairs
or while I am having lunch
view from downstairs
and then when I have enough energy I can walk down the steps on the harbour side of the motel to this gorgeous beach
and have a little swim and snorkel
Posted by jaydub26 on March 22, 2012