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  • All about Gertrude

    Gertrude is the name we decided to call my cancerous breast hence the title of this blog. Although I had to keep my breast through chemo and radiation due to the nature of IBC - once it 'blew up' it no longer looked like my breast and I couldn't wait to get rid of it. Calling it Gertrude was a way of seperating it from myself. This main page is where I write about the general goings on that relate to Gertrude, there is another page that are more a diary of treatments etc This blog is a public blog so although I am being very honest about my battle with Gertrude I have "changed names to protect the innocent" - because everyone can see it if you write comments on the blog pages please use the same abbreviations for other family member or friends that I do. Please feel free to ask questions if you want clarification because then other people who might have been wondering the same thing can read your question and our answers.
  • Abbreviations

    OH- Other Half (Hubby), OD- Oldest Daughter, MD- Middle Daugher, YD- Youngest Daughter, SB- soulja boi MD's fiance in the army (now ex fiance), OD's R OD's partner, BS- Breast surgeon whose initials just happen to be BS as well, BC- our GP (family doctor), Dr H- my medical oncologist, all other friends family etc will be referred to as initials etc
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  • SUSAN’S ARMY

    No Princess Alone button

A little rant

Just something that has been bugging me a little lately.  I have had the reaction from some people that because I am getting involved in hospice and I’m on morphine I am ‘giving up’.

They think I should hold on to hope that I am going to be cured and that to do anything else is being negative.

I dont believe ‘positive thoughts’ cure cancer. I do believe positive but realistic thoughts help you fight cancer by putting your body in a less stressed state, and depending on the aggressiveness, stage and biology of your cancer you will be able to at least knock it back and in a lot of cases achieve remission or cure.

I will have been dealing with ‘Gertrude’ for 4 years this coming August.  I honestly believe that if I was going to be cured of ‘Gertrude’ it would have happened by now.

We dont have the money or the time to try unproven and expensive alternative therapies and being a girl with a science background I need to have the things I try backed up by science.  We have chosen not to spend $5000 dollars amonth for tykerb which is not publically funded in New Zealand because there was no guarantee that it would work at this stage of the proceedings and if we were spending that sort of money we would have no life (we would have had to eat only the the most budget unhealthy foods, no trips to the beach to recharge my spiritual batteries etc, no uni studies, no helping to pay for OD’s wedding) it might have kept me alive  a little longer but would it be a life worth living?

I still hold out a small amount of hope for a spontaneous miraculous remission but also believe at this stage it would be exactly that – miraculous.

That does not mean I am giving up, if I was giving up I wouldn’t be trying taxol, I wouldnt be carrying on with my uni studies and staying active and involved in all the other things I can manage to do.

By getting involved with hospice, looking at funeral planning, to me is just a natural way of getting organised.  We need to have things in place especially around YD and I relax more myself knowing things are organised. It is all about lowering my stress levels and allowing myself to enjoy whatever time I have got left be it  6 months, 2 years or whatever.  I can make the plans, get organised then relax knowing they are already in place.

I have a friend that should be on morphine because the amount of pain she is in but she cant get passed that psychological barrier that it has around it .  I take less morphine than I could because I prefer to feel a little pain and be able to gauge when it is getting better and worse and not feel too doped out.  Taking the level I do allows me to function and live a reasonably normal life go to uni etc.  Compared to my friend that at one stage was in so much pain she admitted she couldnt think straight.

I think what really annoys me is that people buy into the rah-rah survior myth so much that whether you are a cancer patient or part of their support system, friends and family, there is a barrier to being realisitic.

Someone who said their friend with mets wasnt giving up and was going to fight it with everything they’ve got when I said about where I was – what do you think I have been doing for more than the last 3 and a half years .  Or someone who said  to my face ‘dont give up, you have got to believe the chemo will cure you. dont believe what the drs tell you.’  I’ve done my own research and I have also had friends with exactly the same thing as me, I know that at this stage it is not cure it is control.

By denying that I will probably die from this is not helpful to me, it is denying me the right to face my own reality and make peace with it the best way I know how.

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Leave a comment

7 Comments

  1. Fair enough too! You live your life the way you want to and need to. I think your outlook is a sensible and thoughtful one – but even if I thought I might choose to do otherwise in your situation, I would have no right to *say* so!
    I will keep crossing my fingers for a miracle for you – whether that be an individual mysterious one or a magnificent sudden advance in medical science.
    Meanwhile, do what’s best for you and your family.
    Lots of love & hugs.

    Reply
  2. extremeparenthood

     /  March 29, 2012

    I love you Jenny and I pray for that miracle for you everyday.

    If someone thinks you are giving up they can just stuff it. 😉

    Reply
  3. jess

     /  March 29, 2012

    no one has the right to tell you how to process anything in your life. do everything that YOU need to do to find peace. i’ll be with sunday, praying that the miracle comes.

    Reply
  4. I totally agree with you. When the day comes and my cancer is more advanced I hope I have the same courage as you. Prayers with you as well as peace of mind.

    Reply
  5. Jenny B

     /  March 30, 2012

    Way to go Jenny. At this stage it should be all about what you want and living life in the best way you can for you.

    Reply
  6. Sis M

     /  March 31, 2012

    I agree with you – you do have a positive attitude dispute what some people say or think, its your life, do what feels right for you – luv u sis

    Reply

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