Ok, this is the post where I admit that I’m not as sane and as put together as my last post would seem to imply.
My mind jumps from being all gung-ho and ‘once more into the fray, dear friends’ to all sorts of weird thoughts.
Let me tell you of one the thought conversations I had with myself on the train this week. I was going over the phone conversation with Dr H in my head.
And I got into this wierd ‘alternative universe’ where I started to think that I might have misheard him when he called. The way he told me was ” we dont need to schedule a biopsy because its grown” The way I thought I may have misheard him was changing that last word to ‘gone’ instead of ‘grown’. See how that would change things entirely.
I then went over the rest of our conversation trying to make the ‘gone’ fit. I tried really hard because I wanted so much to believe that could have happened. I had to admit defeat and acknowledge the word had been ‘grown’ all along.
I’m struggling when I tell people, the look on their faces, when we talk about control not cure. That’s why I prefer people to read my blog than me tell the same story and answer the same questions and see the same reactions over and over again. That’s not to say I don’t want to talk about it ever but it needs to be on my terms.
OH and I have done a lot of talking, some of it pretty honest and scary, some of it a very dark black humourous take on our situation.
I am looking forward to Wednesday’s oncology assessment appointment, because then we will really know what we are up against. We will be able to make a lot more decisions then.
I have booked myself a ‘Body Shots Photography’ photoshoot for Friday because I dont know what effect the next lot of treatment is going to have on me. I know I look healthy and good (for me) at the moment and I want to preserve this. I don’t photograph well in candid shots so I think this is the way to go.