Well only six more sleeps until my operation. I have had another cold this week but only viral and OH and OD nagged me to go to the Drs. I can feel it starting to break today so hopefully by Friday I will be back to normal and surgery can go ahead. Easter was good – YD, C and A enjoyed their Easter egg hunt and I had a good day. I woke up on Monday with this cold but OH really wanted to have dinner with his friend S and her husband G so we went up to Auckland. It was a good night but I was feeling quite tired by the end of it.
OH is worrying me a little at the moment – I think we are both stressed about the outcome of the surgery but he wont talk to me about it. I know he is trying to “protect” me by not talking about it but he is worrying me by how tired and stressed he has become lately.
One of the realization that came to me when talking to S & G (and their daughter J) was that I actually feel that whether or not I am going to get secondary cancers is pre-ordained. They are not doing any surgery on my lymph nodes at my collar bone so there may be some microscopic cancer left there. There is also the chance there is microscopic cancer left in the chestwall or lymph area under my arm. The thing is neither the Drs or we will know if they are still there until they grow big enough to make their prescence known. All it takes is one cancer cell to create secondary cancers. There are steps I can take to be in the best physical shape to not succumb quickly to the cancer but I actually can’t do anything to stop it coming back if it is going too.
That being said I am not going to live my life assuming I am going to get secondary cancers. I will get on with living my life – the only thing that will change is that I wont put off until the unforeseeable future some of the things that OH and I having been putting off doing because of the girls education,YD’s needs and our general lack of diposable income. The other thing I have decided is that I want to get really involved in Breast cancer awareness especially around Inflammatory Breast Cancer. I will use the skills I once employed doing advocacy for Special needs children and their families to publicize the need for more education on this rarer form of Breast cancer.
As my GP said to me when I saw him – “don’t think about the figures and percentages for survival because all that really matters is whether you personally are going to survive”. I will live my life as a survivor but one who has learnt to make the most of each moment.