What an abnormal life I am living at the moment. On the days I feel normal, I want my old life back but because I have to watch my blood cell counts and getting infections I can’t have my old life. When I have bad days I am so unlike my usual self that I cant do things properly.
I feel guilty that I can’t be the same mum to my kids that I was before Gertrude.
Spending time with YD is done a lot less and at a much more sedate pace than before. I can’t go out with her for a whole day without feeling shattered afterwards. so we have shorter, more sedantary visits – although she doesn’t complain I know she misses the way things used to be.
I feel guilty that on Sunday it was MDs 21st birthday and as much as she didnt want a big party/celebration because soulja boi wasn’t around to share in the celebration, a large part of the decison was based on the fact that I had chemo on Friday and we didn’t know how I was going to be. Even though we had my sis M, her OH and my niece S and nephew N around for chinese takeaways it was very subdued, and I wasn’t much of a party hostess. As much as she says she didnt mind and she would rather have the money that we would have spent on a big party to spend towards a new car- I know she would have liked more of a celebration and I feel guilty that it was because of me she didn’t get it.
OD had to deal with me having a major attack of chemo brain today. Even though she had told me what she was doing today I still thought she wasnt home when she was, that she had told me she was having to go out when she wasn’t and then forgetting it all again. It was like having alzhiemers – it was actually quite scary how bad my memory was.
I went in to visit work on Monday and couldn’t resist doing some work while I was there, in a lot of ways I probably shouldn’t have because its made me more dissatified with the way I have to do things at the moment. And even when our manager has a family emergency I cant work to fill in at the moment and it makes me feel so useless.
hopefully the third week of this cycle I will be well and I will be able to work a couple of shifts. Its the first two weeks that are so abnormal. If I stay non-neutropenic I am hopeful that the third week of this cycle will get me back to something resembling normal.