Later today I get my scan results as to whether this chemo is working so will do another blog post tomorrow to catch you up on the results but I thought I had better do a blog post to catch you up on the last couple of weeks.
The cold I mentioned that I had in the previous blog post came back in full force after my subsequent chemo and I ended up going on antibiotics to get rid of it. I missed my university class that week and generally felt miserable. My eyes are reacting badly to this chemo – harder to focusand I need my glasses on to see anything at all and with the cold I found I couldn’t read or see much of anything which made for a very boring week. I even struggled to play facebook games as the screen would go blurry…and you know how much I rely on facebook games to keep myself sane.
I have only just got back on top of my health, coldwise, this last week and have been trying to catch up on things.
But I have had to pace myself. If you know me in real life you will know I walk very fast, and I find it hard to convince people that I’m sick when my normal walking pace is still 4 kms/hr. OH notices I walk a lot slower and so do my daughters but many of my friends dont pick it. I still have to walk at a fast pace as when I dont I actually get pain in my hip from walking slower as my hips and body are used to a certain pace. I just cant walk as far. I also cant walk up stairs, ramps or hills easily and feel very breathless. I sometimes forget that I need to sit and rest frequently and when that happens I have a dizzy spell such as I did last Tuesday after class when I went to lunch and a little wander round the shops with AW and MH. I suddenly went all cold and clammy and they had to take care of me – with AW not prepared to put me on the train home so drove me home (completely out of her way by direction and distance) Thanks AW.
I actually got very upset later that night because that episode brought home to me just how dependent I am on others. I have always been an independent sort of woman capable of doing things my own way and in my own time. I no longer drive myself much further than our local town and feel frustrated by the limitations chemo and cancer put on me for doing things on my own. And unless I get my spontaneous miraculous remission it will only get worse. I find it really hard to ask for help and feel guilty for accepting it because thats just the sort of person I am, and I am angry that cancer is taking my independence away from me.
I have to figure out new ways of doing things so I can keep on doing the things I love for as long as I can, and maintain as much independence as I can without jeopardising my health. I am grateful to my family and friends for ‘keeping an eye on me’ - Such as yesterday when I went shopping with MD – she had to head to her part-time job so I was catching the train home, but I was feeling a little tired and sore so unbeknownst to me she had rung her father to get him to check that I had got home safely. It feels weird to me that they have to do that but I am grateful for it at the same time.
I will continue to learn how to pace myself , OD’s wedding is fast approaching and I am doing a few little jobs for that, I have an assignment due for university just before the wedding and I am also working on a couple of other projects that are important to me. I will get them all done as long as I pace myself and allow myself time to rest as well.
As one of the old ads on TV used to say ” dont worry I AM looking after myself”